Today, there’s not too many words I have that I want to share. I’m kind of in a mood and thinking about grief and all the ways it changes us. Obviously, if you’ve been around you know I’m not stranger to loss -especially lately but, there’s something different about losing my sister. It feels like a wound that I know will never heal. It won’t even scar, it’ll always be there begging me to tend to it or else.
The grief is so strong I’m starting to think that sometimes when the loss is too large it can literally alter your DNA but, I haven’t looked into it. Sometimes I wonder if I’m taking this so hard because I’ve lost so many people in the last few years and haven’t had time to process any of it much and then losing her made it all extremely worse or if losing her was going to feel like this.
The world may never know.
All I do know is that I am changed in ways I thought was impossible. I have an outlook on life that I didn’t have before and this sudden and strong urge to go. To take what I can carry and venture off somewhere alone to live a life where grief like this can never reach me again. Obviously, this isn’t realistic but I do wish I could get away and pretend that everyone I loved was back home, safe and alive but I’m too far in the jungle to make contact. lol. I’m sure you know what I’m trying to say, let the Tiktok girlies tell it I’m trying to jump timelines lmao. But anyways…
While I want to go on and on about grief and how losing my sister is literally the worst thing that’s ever happened to me I kind of don’t feel like ending the night on such a sad note. But, I did promise myself I’d write 500 words and day and so here I am trying to pull out something. The thing is she’s the only thing on my mind at the moment. So, we’re talking about it.
My sister and I were so different but, not in a bad way. More like if we were puzzles the last and final piece we needed was each other. We were a perfect fit but not a match. If I was peanut butter, she was jelly. If she was up I was down. We balanced each other. If I passed today and someone came and shuffled through my belongs they would find so much freaking paper. Loose leaf paper, wide ruled, college ruled, notebooks, journals, planners, cardstock, decorative paper, glitter paper, sticker paper, copy paper. Paper galore!
When I went to clean out my sisters apartment I got a little laugh because I found so many freaking pens and pencils, markers and crayons. I still remember going through all of it and thinking how she always was my perfect match. How she was always everything I needed to be complete. She was the pen to my paper.
And now I’m trying to live in a world where she doesn’t exist.